Illness, Symptom and Remedy

A layman's guide proposed by Birdman.

Society today is more open about open and shut cases of diseases that are non existent, I feel that it is my responsibility as a practising nomad to shed some light on a few of the more popular medical conditions around today and never. Therefore I have written the following progressive guide to fly your nose at.

Scandanavian Goat Disease

This disease was first recognised during the cold war and so to help get a better understanding of this disease, I simulated the cold war inside ten refrigerators on the outskirts of Basildon. This disease is prevalent amongst old women and causes them to age at the normal rate but this is unknown to them. To attempt to demonstrate this, I packed 5 old ladies into each refrigerator and left them until they had all reached the average mortality age for developed world women. I then opened the refrigerators to prove that all had died. It is still unknown how the naming of this came about.

Scrotal Bovine Scurvy

This is an unpleasant disease mostly contracted by having asexual relationships with farmyard animals. The symptoms of this are quite obvious. Firstly the scrotum swells to twice its size and over a period of two weeks adopts the form of an udder. An adult male is likely to adopt 4 to 5 udders a week and because of this society welcomes these men with closed arms. This defect has no cure and the phasing out of cows has allowed these men to adopt places of rest in barns around South England.

Testicular Limpets

In the 1970s it was common to travel down a street using the method of "walking". Walking was developed by Russian scientists who were in a hurry. They originally practised this method on limpets and bred them primarily for this task. Some unruly scientists began using limpets for their own purposes hence the term used today, "touching limpet". This small-scale breeding had disastrous consequences with humans hatching out of eggs and some hatching into eggs from eggs creating endless loops of eggs. To demonstrate this disease, I have chosen five close friends and used 25 industrial erasers and over a period of 5 weeks have rubbed my friends out. I now have five less friends.

Arabian Tent Disorder

During the industrial revolution, many workers spent hours a day spinning at close to 25 rpm. Some workers were worked harder up to speeds of 35 rpm and it wasn't uncommon to enter a Dickensian workplace to find out that it was all in your head and in fact you were camping in the Norfolk Broads. Until 1985 camping was a common pastime for hairdressers, at this time the craze caught on until tents went out of fashion and many young couples had lost thousands of pounds investing in tents. These couples were sent to Planet Tent (Later known as Planet Caravan) to overcome this tent disorder by being force-fed to vegetarians.

Jabba Flu

This flu became dominant in the 60s of a century that never existed in my head and from this I travelled with my face off for hours every night. The symptoms include speaking to geese at hen nights; the manufacture of engine earrings and chapped lips. When the lips become inflamed, they observe the properties of magnetism to chaps and an ordinary "walk" down the street may catch you five or six chaps or disguised goats. There are no obvious differences between a goat and a toga except the obvious anagramism preventing me from arranging a get together with my invisible friends. The personal advantage of voices in my head allows internal soliloquy. Not being able to close my eyes properly gives very weak winks, goodbye.