BirdMan Lonely Hearts Column

Male Seeking female:

Rectangular headed gentleman, considered obese seeks woman with alternating face, preferably 50Hz to interface with using a variety of vegetables.

Man made entirely of paper seeks dry woman with external womb (preferably with a view) for general arson and pyromania in the Fareham area. Must have detachable limbs which can be used at golfing parties for the usual five star carpet eating.

Royal Cad seeks roguish woman with an unusually large head. Must have own face and a good sense of smell, includes caged gimp or will exchange for a stiff beating.

Tampon like male 50 years of age seeks thousand year old woman with good sense of humour. Necrophilia will be considered in circumstances of limited decay. Must have own coffin with built in goose.

Bovine looking male seeks udder females for frolicking and general banditry. Must have own whip and built in facial padlock to prevent spillage.

Weathered gentleman seeks girl with built in random number generator. Enjoys nights out of the closet and dressing up in horse uniforms. Alternatively would accept girl with an in built "fat kid elimination kit".

Invisible man seeks Queen of the Harpies, includes invisible Thomas which "can come out of nowhere". Must enjoy fraternising with the dead and faternising with the corpulent. Must have own louse or live in a cardboard gorilla. Gorillas will also be considered.

Female seeking male:

Simious looking woman seeks 2D male. Must have a funny side and represent any famous morgue. Alternatively will seek calibration from colourful gnome or midget gum.

Woman with 6 gums, spoken highly of from cliffs, seeks seagull-featured man with aquatic tongue, must have own ship and preferably a barnacled son with one giant eye.

Cycloptic woman looking for that special someone. Anyone considered on wheels.

Unnecessarily loud woman with 20dB face seeks harmonic gentleman with blonde arms. Must enjoy Fourier facelift competitions and La Plastic breasts from St Bernard of nothing.

Shadowless woman seeks man with missing optic nerve, must enjoy spying on Russians and random gunfire. Preferably would resemble a famous fruit from any era.

Hirsute female with matching birthday suit seeks man with flesh tuxedo and polished undercarriage for dusting and debating in the Dorset area. Must have county licence from one to ten and like to engage in miscarriage of justice.

Woman with missing body seeks flexible friend, must enjoy hovering around shit and have compound eyes. Anybody willing to fight to the death considered or with a head flat enough to balance in stately homes. Cartwheels would be an advantage.